Day Twenty Seven - Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

27.  Forgive everyone for everything.

Now wait just a second.  As I type that I actually feel some anxiety stirring in my chest.  EVERYONE?  For EVERYTHING?  Wow.  Tall order....

So, how can you move through the process of forgiving others?

These aren’t “easy steps” by any means, especially because many of them are worked in tandem, but nonetheless they are pieces that make up the whole.

First, acknowledge the parts of you that don’t want to forgive—that want to punish by not forgiving, that derive some artificial source of power from withholding forgiveness.

Secondly, if you’re aware already of the fact that you don’t want to forgive, consider the stories that go along with that.

Third, find the common ground.


Finally—and this is the big one—realize that lack of forgiveness is rooted in a lack of boundaries.

The moment that you decide that you won’t tolerate the behaviors that lead you not to forgive is the moment that things shift.  Caution: In movies, the hero or heroine “gets back” at someone and then walks off into a happy ending. 

That’s not what we’re talking about, here. If your boss routinely puts you down, you don’t tell her off and that’s your “power.”

Rather, you decide that you won’t tolerate the put downs, you come up with a plan for how you’re going to handle it when they arise, and then you actually assert that boundary, while looking at her with pure love because you know that her put downs are causing her immense suffering (even if you can’t see the suffering).  What happens in moments like these is that the put downs become about as believable as a drunk, homeless man who is shouting obscenities on the street. He’s clearly not altogether there, and you can have compassion for him because his suffering is so visible and his words so illogical.

Here’s the big secret: When humans are unkind to one another, they’re not so very different than that guy. Many of us are just using different language and wearing nicer clothes.

When you decide what boundaries to put in to place, and what you will and won’t stand for, you release the fear that “it” will happen again. What “it” can touch you when you’ve already decided that you aren’t going to let it penetrate?

About the Author

Author

Kate Swoboda is a coach, speaker, and writer who works with women who want to live unconventional and revolutionary lives through practicing courage. She's the creator of The Courageous Living Guide and The Coaching Blueprint, and she hangs out online at yourcourageouslife.com.

The facts....

 
Here are some of the conclusions researchers have made:

• “Forgiveness of self and others has been the most powerful predictor of both depression and suicide ideation.” Journal of Applied Sciences 2009, Vol.v9, Issue 19, pgs. 3598-3601

• “Forgiveness therapy is recognized as a powerful method of breaking cycles of hostility, anger and hatred.” Elliot 2010

• “Most of the diseases of abnormal immune function are remarkably linked to psychological stress.” Robert Scaer, MD, from The Trauma Spectrum

• “We can no longer hide behind the argument that there is insufficient proof that mind/body methods have an impact or are effective. Studies indicate, in fact, the opposite is true.” David Servan-Schrieber, MD, PhD from AntiCancer

• “In nurturing a patient's will to live, the first step is locating and treating past traumas. These poorly healed scars drain a significant portion of energy, and they hamper the body’s capacity for self-defense.” David Servan-Schreiber, MD, from AntiCancer

• “Recent research reports that “a number of chronic health conditions have been identified as health conditions with social and interpersonal etiologies (originations) and consequences. Forgiveness interventions offer important insights for management and treatment of these conditions.” Elliott 2010

• “It is not that stress makes you sick but that it increases the likelihood of contracting a disease that makes you sick. Stress related disease arises because the defending army of the stress response runs out of ammunition.” Robert M. Sapolsky, Handbook on Forgiveness

• “One can't begin to address the topic of healing trauma without dealing with the fact that trauma is an aberration of memory. It freezes us in a past event that thereafter dictates our entire perception of reality.” Robert Scaer, MD, The Trauma Spectrum

• “Chronic unforgiveness causes stress. Every time people think of their transgressor, their body responds. Decreasing your unforgiveness cuts down on your health risk. Now, if you can forgive, that can actually strengthen your immune system.” Everett Worthington, PhD

• “Sixty to 90 percent of visits to physicians are for conditions related to stress. Harmful effects of stress include anxiety, mild and moderate depression, anger and hostility, hypertension, pain, insomnia, and many other stress related diseases.” Herb Benson, MD, from The Relaxation Response

• “Inwardly, the emotional wound affects deep vital processes. A psychological wound sets off mechanisms of the stress response…release of cortisol, adrenaline… (including) a slowdown in the immune system. ..which contributes to growth and spread of cancer.” Dr. David Servan-Schrieber, MD, AntiCancer

• “We find that the endocrine system—and the hormone cortisol in particular—is closely linked with immune system: High levels of cortisol inhibit immune responses. Most diseases of abnormal immune function are remarkably linked to psychological stress.” Robert Scaer, MD, The Trauma Spectrum

The latest research (Elliot 2010) has yielded this conclusion:

• “Over an extended period of time, unforgiveness can be experienced as negative emotions that result in a cascade of biological and brain responses. Findings about the body’s hormone response to unforgiveness reveal that unforgiveness is reflected in specific cortisol levels, adrenaline production and cytokine balance (Worthington et al 2005) with patterns that parallel those reported in people living with high stress. These hormone patterns are known to compromise the immune system (Berry and Worthington 2001; Seybold et al. 2001) with the long-term consequence of leading to several identified chronic illnesses (Danese et al 2007).”

• “A personal coping style that suppresses negative emotion may increase the risk of cancer.” Dr. James Pennebaker, Ph.D., author of Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotion